delusional

This is a personal note, nothing wise.

I consider myself to be a very disciplined and wise person for my age. But there are moments where I feel, where is this wisdom even leading me to. All the people I know do cool stuff and are living just amazingly.

How to make sure that what I'm doing — excluding myself from every fun thing, just to win in the long term — doesn't make me feel low in the present?

I can't have relationships with people anymore, it is less heart to heart and more brain to brain. Only if I see value in the other person do I invest time into them.

I'm running out of people to love and trust, more careless about emotions. Loving is so demonized but being loved is overcelebrated. When your soul isn't full, nothing feels joyful.

I'm no one's love and no one is my love. Not a friend that I trust upon, not a family to hold upon.

What am I?

I didn't ask for unachievable things. Things that bring life to us is what I asked for. I can't make the difference between what I'm doing is good or bad, whether these are good days or bad days, or if all this is just an illusion.

I meet few people who completely admire me but they don't know this person has no life in him — he is as lifeless as a grave.

There is no juice to my life.